Ways to Help a Child Deal with Fear

The following advice applies not only to parents but also to all other caring adults who want to help a child handle his fears.

First, listen carefully and respect whatever the child tells you about his fear. Help him see that it is natural to be afraid and worry about things. Then, reassure him that what now seems scary and overwhelming can be handled and that as he gets older, he will learn to overcome his fear. Certainly look under the bed or in the closet for witches and monsters with the child, but don’t get too agitated. Let him know you both know they aren’t there, but that every child worries about them. You can be accepting of his feelings without conveying that they are real.

Support the child as he struggles to find ways to handle these fears. Let him regress. Let him be dependent, and let him cuddle his “lovey” and be a baby at such a time. He won’t want to be a baby for long. Even as you hold him, you’ll feel him try to squirm away. Then you can reinforce him for his bravery and for being so “grown up.”

Help the child understand the reasons behind his fears — such as the fact that he’s trying to learn about new and rather scary situations and feelings. Talk about how he’s trying to venture out, to stand up for himself, and to get away from you, and how all this is scary. Use his own terms. Don’t get too intellectual or beyond him. It won’t help him if you are talking about abstract concepts that he cannot grasp.

Reassure the child that all children have fears at his age. Suggest that he ask his friends how they handle their fears (though they may not admit that they have any). Talk about your own fears at his age, how you learned to overcome them, and the trivial fears you may still struggle with. “I always used to feel funny before going to a party. Even now I stand at the door until I see someone I know or have met and then go talk to them. You’ll learn how to do that, too.”

Meanwhile, take the child out alone with you each week to do things together. This will open up the possibility of his confiding in you but, even more important, it will give him a chance to identify with you. If he’s learning about aggression, he can learn how to be safely aggressive — in the ways that you are. You may not even need to talk about these ways; he can see them for himself.

When he finally conquers his fears, point this out to him so he can learn from his success. Commenting on his achievement will not only take it out of the realm of fear and put it in the realm of conquest, but mark a pattern for him and for you. You can refer back to it when other, new fears or challenges arise.

If a child’s fears, or fearfulness in general, begin to invade his lifestyle, if the fears last over a long period (roughly six months or more), or if they affect his capacity to make friends, I would seek professional advice. These fears may be the child’s way of crying out to you for help. Ask your doctor or nurse for help in finding a therapist. A clinic connected with the nearest large teaching hospital can give you a referral to a child psychiatrist or psychologist.